probably a metaphor

 Life has changed so fucking much since I last posted. 

I had to leave Poland. For some reason, my working visa didn't go through, so I couldn't legally work. I had jobs lined up that wanted to hire me, and they couldn't. The company that was supposed to get my work visa said that there was a limit to foreign work visas, and they didn't know when mine would go through. Frustrated, not really knowing what to do, I left. 

My grandmother had broken her knee and needed help, and my grandfather's dementia had gotten worse over the summer, and my poor uncle was taking care of them all on his own. I flew home and stayed with my uncle, taking care of them. On my second day back, my grandfather held me at gunpoint because he thought I was a home invader. 

The gun wasn't loaded. <y uncle had cleaned out the house of ammo 5 days before. Of course, I didn't know that, and he didn't know that. We ended up wrestling over it. Well, I tried to wrestle it out of his hands, while he punched me in the face. My uncle pulled him off of me, and they ended up fighting in the floor. 

Grandma called the cops and they took him away to a geriatric psych ward. As we sifted through his stuff, looking for extra changes of clothes for him, we kept finding loaded guns that my uncle had missed. It was like a somalian easter egg hunt. 

Then I took over grandma duty while unc fought the insurance companies. they kept trying to send grandpa home, despite the fact that he's dangerous. "we can't throw away every pair of scissors and steak knife in the house," he'd tell them. "He's liable to try to kill us in our sleep." I think that might be taken care of now. 

I came to America in September, and when I'm not hangin' with grandma and unc, I'm smoking, hitting the gym, writing my novel, hiking, or working on my teaching certification. That's been a long and stupid process. I aced all of my exams easily enough, but fuck the bureaucracy of this process is slowwwwww. They told me they can't even start filing my paperwork until January.

I was really hoping to be gone by then but whatever. I really don't know what I'm doing right now, life wise. 

Thankfully, I have cash saved up. I have a great support system. It's nice being around family, especially my grandmother, my uncle, and my brothers. Being in nature is healing me. I can feel it recalibrating my mind. I've been through a lot, what with the death of my student, and the deaths this year. 

Towards the end of October, I found myself crying sometimes. Nothing would set me off, really. Not much, anyway. My grandmother would tell me that I'm a good person, or that I prove that I love her every day. Or someone would tell me that I'm a good person. Or that they missed me, or that they looked forward to hanging out with me, or the dog would lay its head on my lap, or I'd get a message from a friend in Shanghai saying they missed me, and I'd cry, because I finally believe them, and I'd realize it's been years since I believed that I'm decent. So I'd cry, but it wasn't bad. It was healing. I could feel myself processing everything. 

While my family is wonderful, and my friends are wonderful, I live about an hour away from most of my friends. My city, Charleston, is kind of a heroin hell hole, and nothing is happening here. It's conservative, and to overhear English here is to be constantly incredulous at what I'm hearing. There aren't good opportunities here for an educator. I know I have to leave eventually, and the sooner the better honestly, but obviously I'm kind of yoked by my certification date. 

I miss love and being in love, but there are no prospects here. Everyone has giant red flags or is married. I've been hit on by so many married women. So many women have hinted that they'd fuck me. I'm not here to enable you, damnit. work shit out with your goddamn spouse. 

so, I just hit the gym. it's basically they only thing I do. i feel stuck, but i'm healing. i'm trying to keep that in mind.